I am reminded of a quote by Aristotle which says “Anybody can become angry – that is easy, but to be angry with the right person, to the right degree, at the right time, for the right purpose, and in the right way using the right words – that is not within everybody’s power and is not easy” and if someone is capable of conforming to the parameters laid down above in the process of getting angry he really needs to be appreciated for the emotional balance that he displays.
Emotional Intelligence in a way involves the appropriate modulation of all such criteria’s laid down for various emotions whether it is Anger, Depression, Fear, Hatred, Happiness, Frustration, Enthusiasm or others.
What is Emotional Intelligence
“What is Emotional Intelligence” has been splendidly explained by Daniel Goleman in his books Emotional Intelligence & Working with Emotional Intelligence but how it is imbibed by the individual is the million dollar question that needs to be pondered. Not that it cannot be acquired but there has to be either a family conditioning since childhood, followed by social conditioning and later by educational conditioning in order to have the proper balance of emotions. A strong determination to become emotionally stable and aware of where the inner radar is carrying you in the storm of emotions that keep flowing in the mind can also help to achieve emotional intelligence but this is relatively an uphill task as one needs to wipe off the skewed emotions that exist due to the programming from childhood.
If I were to ask you why do most men become more balanced and rational in the process of acquiring age?
The reply probably would be that he has experienced the world in many ways, in different situations and has probably come to the conclusion that he himself is responsible for the good or bad that he has faced in life. This probably will give my readers a suitable base to get into the frame of mind that “Feelings are not what happens to you, but they are rather what happens inside you”. Feelings being the seed for emotions need to be dealt with in a manner that they do not germinate out of proportion.
Therefore in the first place, it is necessary that we be consciously aware of our self. Self-awareness helps in understanding the emotions that prevail in the mind and debar the feelings to take charge. The habit of self-awareness can only come by having an honest look at oneself and taking responsibility for the cause and effect of the feeling. This, in turn, would help them to know and own up their strengths and weakness so as to be intuitive, rational, mature and not let the emotion go out of control.
The ability to regulate and modulate the acquired self-awareness in the right direction is yet another challenge in the process of Emotional intelligence. Smiling in the face of defeat may not necessarily convey the right message to the observers. It could be that the individual has accepted his fate and has modulated his emotions with the determination to work upon the weakness and come up with better results in the next attempt. That’s why they say that failures are sometimes the pillars of success. It eventually means that the game-changer is not the result, but the manner in which the result has been perceived by the individual.
Unfortunately, the motivation to modulate and navigate the adverse situations that we face in life in the right direction in future lacks in most cases and we get bogged down and hopeless quite easily. Rolling with the punches that life gives us, with the determination to stand up and walk is what motivation is all about. This motivation can only come from the level of confidence and determination that on is capable of acquiring in that situation. Sometimes this motivation can be imbibed from the interaction with our loved ones or friends but unless it is retained by the individual it is short lived.
The Essence of Self-regulation
The essence of self-regulation is, therefore, the ability to control yourself from not getting too angry, too jealous, too depressed or too impulsive and strive towards being thoughtful, ready to change, accept facts and display integrity. The implosion and explosion levels need to be in control irrespective of the feeling prevailing in the mind. That’s the challenge.
For the lost of a loved one, how much grief is appropriate is not the question but how it is being manifested is the issue. Almost all have the same amount of grief but different people display it differently. An emotionally balanced person would have a more calm disposition in such situations.
So far as emotional balance is concerned the essence is that the individual has to take charge of his life and not attribute it to the outside world and play the blame game. If I am not in a job that I aspired its because I did not take the right route during my study period. That’s it. More than that, the ability to forgive not only others but also oneself is essential in this journey of emotional intelligence. The frame of mind to be able to see a silver lining in the dark clouds of life will build the quality that everything in life happens for a reason. Therefore during adversity to be hopeful and courageous enough to strive to avert the situation is the frame of mind that we can say is Emotional intelligence.
During my training sessions on the subject of Emotional Intelligence some of the questions that I am frequently asked are:
- How can we assess that our emotional Intelligence is up to the desired levels?
- Do IQ Intelligence Quotient and emotional intelligence have any correlation?
- How do we know that what we know about our-self is honest and not ego-based?
- Self Awareness is the first step to enhance Emotional Intelligence how do we attain it?
- How do we modulate our emotions in a materialistic world where greed, hatred, and jealousy are prevalent?
- How do we get to know the ideal way to respond to an adverse stimulus?
A systematic awareness created in different sessions and certain apt games and exercises during the sessions will help in developing an interest to elevate the Emotional Intelligence level. However, I am of the opinion that this journey has to do more with the individuals effort rather than the sessions conducted, as a major impediment in this journey is Ego and distorted Self Image which breeds prejudices towards self as well as others.
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